tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 5, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes maggie gyllenhaal. graham norton. and musical guests lukas nelson & promise of the real. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. thank you very much. what's going on? thanks, everybody. thanks for being here.
welcome to "the late show" i'm your host, stephen colbert. this is our first show back after a two-week break. before we go on, i just want to say our hearts go out to all those affected by hurrican harvey in houston. but, also, money can go out to them. and if you want to give-- and i know you do-- we have a list of organizations ready to help on our website colbertlateshow.com. personally, my family is giving to the fund set up by the mayor of houston, sylvester turner, at the greater houston community foundation. but there are a lot of good options out there so go check them out. a week from tonight, next tuesday, all the networks will be broadcasting a fundraising telethon, "hand in hand," benefiting those affected by hurricane harvey.
please watch, please give, please remember these people. because it's not going to go away for them for a long time. please, let's just take a moment-- take a moment right now to give thanks to all the first responders, the volunteers, and the aid workers who are down there helping right now as we speak. thank you so much. thank you for what you're doing. ( applause ) and harvey is an unprecedented disaster. i'm clear in saying that. that's true, right? speaking of unprecedented disasters, donald trump. ( laughter ) he went down to texas and had a little trouble nailing the comforter-in-chief tone, like when he spoke to a group of locals and said, "what a crowd, what a turnout." ( laughter ) that crowd was really excited to see donald trump. or they heard there'd be drinking water. either way, pretty excited.
and take a look at where trump was giving this speech: it looks like he's barricaded himself from zombies. "they're after my brain. they're after my delicious brain." in fact-- ( laughter ) -- in fact, fire won't stop them. in fact, according to reporters on the scene, "the president didn't meet a single storm victim, see an inch of rain, or get near a flooded street." >> audience: booo! >> stephen: i know, it was surprising. it was surprising. he's been closer to a flood in a russian hotel room. and the president-- i'm right saying that. ( applause ) that's alleged. i'm right in saying that. and the president told hud secretary ben carson just how impressed he was with this terrible storm. >> there has never been anything so historic in terms of damage and ferocity as what we witnessed with harvey.
sounds like such an innocent name, ben, right? but it's not innocent. >> stephen: yes, it's not an innocent name. we have to stop naming storms after innocent people. we have to name storms after guilty people so we know they're bad like "hurricane hitler," "hurricane joe arpaio," or "hurricane donald," for that matter. how hard is it-- it's really part of the job that he evidently did not know. the leader comforts people in times of crisis. look at the vice president. he nailed it on the first try. donald trump, if you make me like mike pence, i will never forgive you. ( cheers and applause ) don't do it! no! so trump decided to take an emotional mulligan and went down to texas a second time. here he is loading a truck with
relief supplies on a separate trip. can't screw that up. let's take a look. okay, he's got the bucket. now just put in the back, and-- he just gave it to the driver! there's a whole-- here you go, take this. there's a whole back! there's a whole empty truck bed back there. that's why he brought a truck and not a unicycle. you don't check your luggage by handing it to the pilot of the plane. "you with the hat and the wings, take these. here, take these." heavy luggage. of course, every presidential visit to a disaster area must come with some inspiring words. >> as tough as this was, it's been a wonderful thing, i think even for the country to watch, for the world to watch. it's beautiful. have a good time, everybody. i'm going to be doing a little help over here. >> stephen: "have a good time, everybody"? "have a good time"? that's the second worst disaster response of all time. >> it's bursting into flames.
people are jumping. oh, the humanity. have a great time, everybody. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: that's based on a true story. n a true story. that joke-- that joke is based on a true story. while harvey's a natural disaster that seems to be bringing people together, in very heartwarming ways, there's a man-made disaster unfolding in washington because the trump administration has announced they're ending the deferred action for childhood arrivals program, or daca. >> audience: booo! >> stephen: yeah, yeah, you're not the only one. the thing is, the vast majority of americans like this program, so by canceling it, trump has stepped in some deep daca. ( laughter ) so even though his decision is unpopular, trump bravely stepped up, then cringed back, and had somebody else announce it. that someone was attorney
general and turn up that learned to hate, jeff sessions. >> i'm here today to announce that the program, known as daca, that was effectuated under the obama administration is being rescinded. >> stephen: i codeclare, it is being de, if eccutuated. we don't know why or who-all is rescinding it. probably those nasty immigrant children. but as my mama used to say, 'life is like a box of chocolates. now, get out of the country.'" it's happening by somebody to somebody. i don't know. but sessions doesn't want you dreamers to take this personally. >> the nation must set and enforce a limit on how many immigrants we admit each year, and that means all cannot be accepted. this does not mean that they are bad people or that our nation
disrespects or demeans them in any way. >> stephen: you're right, jeff-- deporting innocent children does not mean they're bad people. it means you're a bad person. and here's the deal-- these dreamers, they aren't the only ones being hurt. in fact, a recent study estimated that terminating daca would cost the federal government $60 billion and would reduce economic growth by $280 billion in the next ten years. wow, trump really is a dealmaker. "i'll trade you 800,000 productive young people and wait-- $280 billion for... nothing. final offer. take it or leave it. that's it, okay." ( applause ) i'm walkin'-- so, the move is incredibly unpopular, but trump is gearing
up to hand off the problem to someone else. earlier today, he tweeted, "congress, get ready to do your job. daca!" he loves the abbreviations. "daca! maga! maga! daca!" he's speaking in tongues at this point is what is happening. now, trump did release a statement. "as president, my highest duty is to defend the american people and the constitution of the united states of america. at the same time, i do not favor punishing children." "that's why all my children are spoiled monsters." ( laughter ) "okay, sociopaths. eat your tongue." ( applause ) but after a tepid press release and having jeff sessions make the announcement, the president realized he needed to step up personally and make sarah huckabee sanders talk about it. >> if congress doesn't want to
do the job that they were elected to do, then maybe they should get out of the way and let someone else do it. >> stephen: like maybe the president with an executive order. you dum-dum! she clarified exactly how the repeal of daca will take place. >> rather than leave daca recipients, and the men and women of immigration enforcement, in confusing limbo while the daca program was challenged by states, in the same court that struck down another of the previous administration's unlawful immigration orders earlier this year, president obama is laying out a responsible 24-month phaseout-- sorry, president trump. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: it's ok. >> jon: whoa! oh! >> stephen: it's ok. we're sorry he's president, too. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, did. ( cheers and applause )
okay, trump did eventually get around to publicly addressing the fears this will cause for the dreamers. >> we have a great heart for the folks we're talking about, a great love for them. >> stephen: and you know what they say: if you love something, set it free. then lock the door when it's gone. but trump also made sure everybody was aware just who we were talking about. >> people think in terms of children, but they're really young adults. >> stephen: "yeah, sure, they were brought here when they were babies, but that was 20 years ago. if they wanted to stay in america, they should have stayed kids their whole lives. if bart simpson can do it, so can you, pedro!" we've got a great show for you tonight. maggie gyllenhaal is here. but when we come back...
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: jon, you know, we've got another act of comedy coming up right now, but you know one of my favorite things i love doing on this show, we do it every week, we do it fridays. we do "stephen colbert's midnight confessions" on the show. it's near and dear to my heart as a confession. and one of the things i cob fess right now is we have a brand new book. "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." all right. all right. it is out today. this is the day that the book
drops. >> jon: wow! i got to see that. see what you're saying. >> stephen: it's got everything you want in here. it's got drawings, it's got pictures, it's got jokes. it's got papers. it makes the perfect gift for anything coming up. is anything coming up? rosh hashanah. it's the perfect gift for the high holidays. halloween, thanksgiving gift. get this. here's the first confession-- i haven't read it yet. i hear it's very good. all right, in other disturbing news that happened over the break while we were gone, this sunday, north korea tested its most powerful nuclear bomb yet, which they are claiming was a hydrogen bomb. you see, we discovered this explosion because it was so big, it created a 6.3 tremor.
a seismologist whose job is to monitor nuclear tests announced the test in scientific terms, possible, tweeting "oh, ( bleep ) " i want to tell you, i want to tell you, this seismologist clearly does not work for cbs. ( laughter ) lauz and, and to prove-- we keep it clean, right? we keep it clean. and to prove they have the h-bomb, north korea released this picture verifying that either they have the bomb or kim jong-un has gotten into home brewing. i hope not. after this terrifying nuclear escalation from north korea, president trump struck right back at the heart of the enemy-- south korea-- launching this tweet: "south korea is finding, as i have told them, that their talk of appeasement with north korea will not work. they only understand one thing!"
is it parades? god, i hope it's parades. mr. president, you know south korea is our ally, right, and they're the ones in danger? it might not be the best time to be picking petty fights. "south korea, so stupid. why did they choose to be right next to north korea? also, why did they pick the same name? not smart! who do i bomb? i don't know. it's a coin toss at this point. south korea. there are other names out there. west japan. >> jon: doesn't really matter. >> stephen: baby china. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the place where hawkeye went. but trump made the ultimate threat. "the united states is considering, in addition to other options, stopping all trade with any country doing business with north korea." now, of course, the country that
does almost all the business with north korea is china. so any sanctions could really hurt for the company who makes ivanka's shoes. it's true. they're lovely, they're lovely, jon. they're lovely. but by ramping up pressure on north korea, trump might be hurting his greatest ally of all-- vladimir putin-- who says that cutting off trade would have no effect, because "north korea would rather 'eat grass' than suspend their nuclear program." to which north koreans responded, "wait, there's grass?!" where is the grass? and putin seemed to even slam trump directly, saying "difficult to have a dialogue with people who confuse austria and australia." wow. oh snap! >> jon: snap. >> stephen: that is unfair. okay. trump does not confuse austria and australia.
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>> stephen: hey. >> hey. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> nice to see you, too. >> stephen: we've met a cowl of times, but i've never had a chance to interview you before, even though we were in the same movie once together. >> what movie were we in. >> stephen: "the great new wonderful." >> but did we act -- >> stephen: we're going to do a scene. i came over and said hi to you on "the daily show sm of the. >> you didn't come over. you didn't come over. you were leaning back with your coffee and the kitchen park you walk through before you go on stage and you were like, "i've got a new show." >> stephen: this was in 2005, this was in 2005. >> and you said, "will you come by on my show?" and i said, "yes, i will." but then-- actually, i was on your show. did you know that. >> stephen: you performed. >> i was the musical guest with the movie "frank," and we were a kind of odd, not totally great
-- >> stephen: i didn't interview you, no. when i said i wanted you on my show, here we are. >> i am actually a really big fans of yours which is why i think i'm nervous tonight is there you're nervous? >> i was trying to figure out why am i so nervous, back there. i've done this before. it's because i'm a fan of yours. i think you're awesome. >> stephen: that's nice. i think you're awesome, too. thank you very much. sip of water? now i have interviewed your brother. >> okay. >> stephen: and we do not rank gyllenhaals here, we love them equally. but you're the better gyllenhaals, aren't you? you're the better one. who was the better kid between the two of you? was there a better child? was there a democraton child and a good child? >> jake was a demon child. no, really, he was. and then i got naughty later. ( laughter ). >> stephen: is there-- is there any proof that you got naughty later? like, in what way? you were troublesome, troublesome to your parents.
>> thankfully there wasn't internet them. no, my brother was really troublesome when he was little. yeah, he got in trouble a lot. >> stephen: strong headed? >> yeah, and like a wild kid. >> stephen: i have older sisters, i have self of them, and my sister lulu can tell me what to do, and she'll say it and i'll to it. so my family knows to teller her if they want me to do something. can you tell jake what to do? will he listen to you? >> maybe, maybe a little bit, maybe a little bit. >> stephen: you can say, "explain johnny darko." >> have him on the show, sit right here and i'll say, "explain johnny darko." >> stephen: you live in brooklyn. you're kind of the epitome of brooklyn, actually, independent artist. >> you what, actually, i was shooting a movie in brooklyn, on the street my mom grew up on. >> stephen: that's lovely, that's lovely. >> yeah. and i told her, "i'm on rugby road." and she said, ""and rita--" my
great aunt--" lived right down the street." >> stephen: that's really street. that's really nice. did you spend all summer there? did you get away. we're at the end of summer, unfortunately. did you do anything fun? >> i shot a movie, a teeny-tiny, gorilla style, changing my clothes in a ferry on staten island. >> stephen: wow, that's very brooklyn of you. ( laughter ). >> huh? i'm going to take that home and think about what that means. >> stephen: that's like making a movie, like canning your own pickles-- we're doing it ourselves. >> somebody told you i make elderberry spirit, didn't they. >> stephen: yes. >> i made failed elderberry syrup. >> stephen: where does one get elderberry to begin with? >> i got them in the woods where i was the past few weeks. this is all new for me. like canning, making elderberry
-- >> stephen: i heard rose hip, tea, too. >> yes. >> stephen: did you gather your own rose hip? >> yes. >> stephen: you could kill yourself. i wouldn't recognize a rose hip if it slapped me. >> listen, i put a picture of rose hips drying, trying to, lying, be the person who knows how to do that. and somebody on instagram, and somebody wroa wroet he and said, "be careful of the seeds. they're poisonous." and i was like, "oh, okay. i didn't know that." and so -- >> stephen: someone saved your life. >> yeah, i need to go slow, i think. i need to go slow. >> stephen: the new series is called "the deuce," on hbo. >> yeah. >> stephen: created by david simon. >> and george pellicano. >> stephen: what is "the deuce"? >> it's a nickname for times square, and the show is about the birth of the porn industry in the 70s, which really started in times square. >> stephen: this is back when times square was times square. >> yes. >> stephen: when times square was dirty, filthy, pornography,
prostitution, drugs, all that kind of fun stuff. >> that's right. >> stephen: back then, the m&m store was a very rough location. you could get killed in bubblegum shrimp back then. do you remember times square from back then? you huff been just a tad pole. >> how old do you think i am? how dare you. >> stephen: i apologize? but it was pretty bad up until the mid-80s. it wasn't like it had to be 1971. it was bad until giuliani came along. >> it's true. i do remember, and roabl in the mid-80s, visiting my aunt freida and uncle murray -- >> stephen: they live around the corner. >> they took me to a broadway play and i remember them speaking in yiddish in the taxicab when we drove through times square and they said in english, "ladies of the night." and i was like, "what's that?" you know. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's what you play. you play a lady of the night. >> i do. >> stephen: a woman of the
strada in this one, named candy. is it hard to play a prostitute? ( laughter ) no, it's an honest question. like, is it hard to pliplay a prostitute and still have-- connect with someone who is letting themselves be abused in an unregulated industry to survive? >> well, the person i play has a complicated relationship to all of this. i mean, yes, i think she is abused. you see that in a really literal way. but she's also actually ultimately is an artist, and realizes that she's an artist through making posh. she's a filmmaker. and i think in a way if you're candy, the character i play, you get to see both. you get to see the misogyny, that i think is inherent in porn and you get to see-- i don't just mean this in a sexual way. it'st turns her on. it wakes her up. it lights her up. >> stephen: you said this
show, "the deuce," offers a feminist perspective on the sex industry. what do you mean by that? >> well, i think it's a way of looking at misogyny, which i think is really worth looking at, at the moment. i mean, look, i think -- >> stephen: yeah yeah, it is. >> well, it is. >> stephen: no, who would have thought we'd have one in the white house again, a misogynist. ( cheers and applause ) >> well, look, i-- i'll go maybe even further, right. like, i think when we were making the show, it was last summer. it was the election. we were shooting splits, which means we were shooting partially during the day, partially at night. like, sometimes we'd be watching the debates on our lunch break, all of these conversations were bubbling under everything. this was-- we were shooting when trump was saying, you know, i can grab women's pussies if i want to." that was happening as we were shooting. even though we didn't know that he was going to be elected, misogyny was on all of our minds. >> dunt think that, of course,
he wouldn't be elected when he said that? >> yes, of course, i thought there would be a consequence for it. but when you can say something like that and there's no consequence, then we have to say, wait, hold on a second. we're not where we thought we were. so what an amazing time to be talking about this show, which is an exploration of misogyny, along with a lots of other things, what an amazing time to say to ourselves, wait, wait. we're not where we thought we were." i think before he was elected, i-- sexist things would happen all the time in my life, i'd kind of go, "you know what? i'm fine. i don't need to unpack that. i don't need to take that apart. i'm lucky. i'm doing fine. i'm just going to take that." and after he was elected i went, "i'm not going to take that anymore." ( applause ) >> stephen: we have a clip right here. this is-- this is you as a street walker talking to another
prostitute. do you need to set this up at all? >> no, i don't think so. check it out. >> stephen: jim. >> what about you? who's your man? >> no man. just me. >> no man? how's that work? >> you've got to work a little harder. you have to be a little more careful. sometimes a guy will burn you for some cash or press you for a moment or two, but it works for me. >> me, i need to pimp. otherwise, i tend to get lazy. ( applause ) >> stephen: it was lovely to meet you. >> yeah, lovely to meet you, too, finally. >> stephen: thanks so much for being here. >> stephen: "the deuce" premieres this sunday on hbo. maggie gyllenhaal, everybody! we'll be right back with graham norton. what if i struggled...
>> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back to the show. folks, my next guest tonight is one of the most popular tv personalities in the u.k. please welcome the host of "the graham norton show." graham norton. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: all right! let me. ( cheers and applause ) yes. >> bless you, bless you. >> stephen: there might be some people out there who don't know your c.v. host of "the graham norton show." some version of that. you're coming up on 20 years, right? >> yeah, yeah, it's a long time. ( applause ) >> stephen: a radio show, you're a uro vision song contest
commentator. an advice columnist for "theital graph." you are super famous over in england. people seem to love you here as well. >> instantly. ( cheers and applause ) it's so easy, so easy. >> stephen: but you're a fantastic interviewer. what's it like for you to be on that side of the interview? is this easy for you, or is this like, "this feels absolutely wrong?" >> this feels so wrong. this feels, this feels-- hosts should not speak on to hosts. it's like a meatless white bread sandwich. there's nothing here. there's a celebrity missing. there should be a celebritiy-- maggie, come back. sit up here. cross your legs. we'll both talk to you. >> stephen: when you're interviewing a guest, i assume the dread of any host is the guest comes on and gives you one-syllable answers and don't talk at all. >> here's a tip for you, stephen. >> stephen: that's what? >> what i do is, one, we liquor them up. >> stephen: honest to god you get them, do you get--
>> we don't liquor them -- >> stephen: you offer your guests drinks. >> i think,ic, if you come out and there's a cocktail waiting for you, you immediately think, "this might be a nice time." ( laughter ) water. hello! >> stephen: yes, exactly. do we have anything we can offer this good man? no? >> not even a cracker, nothing. just water. >> stephen: you want a are, iccola? there you go. suck on that. >> too late. i'm in favor of getting them drunk, in my opinion. ( cheers and applause ) wow. that can go wrong. >> stephen: yes. >> there's a cross between, like, crowd and mob. >> stephen: have you ever had a guest-- this must have occurred to you at times-- i'm far more interesting than my guest. why don't i just talk for the next hour? >> you can't do that, though. >> stephen: i know. you absolutely can't. >> and it's an odd thing because, you know, your name's in the title.
>> stephen: sure. >> but once drear old graham norton comes on, you have to pretend to be interested in me for a new events and that's a struggle because you're thinking, "i could do the monologue again." >> stephen: not at all. it's easy for me to pretend i like you. >> that's why you're so good at this job. see, i struggle, i struggle. >> stephen: but have multiple people at a time on your coach. what's the benefit of of that? sometimes i have two people out here at a time. sometimes they don't like each other. they don't care about each other's products. how do you keep the ball in the air? >> because, the benefit is, if one of them is mr. monosyllabic, it's nap time for him, and then you move on, and you move on, and hopefully the other one is a chatty kathy. if you fyou get two, two nothing, then that is a real struggle. that's worse than one bad guest. having multifell bad guests, but
that rarely happens because somebody senses weakness on the couch. i think most actors, most musicians, most writers have a wanting to be like, and the "wanting to show off" gene, and that gene is strong in them. and if someone isn't talking, they think, "i'll talk. this is my moment." >> stephen: all this light just for me. you're not most political, but you guys talk about trump over there? >> well, you know, word of your political situation has reached us. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: across the bond. >> yeah. >> stephen: across the popped, yeah, yeah? >> it's-- you know, international news. and we get it. why not do-- it's like shooting fish in a barrel making fun of him. so, you know, all these useless comedy writers are now like, "i can do these jokes" because he writes them for you.
>> stephen: the fish happens to be the greatest democracy nonetheless world, unfortunately. >> and you're shooting him with a gun, but he's got a bomb. it's worrisome. the other thing, and maybe people could explain, we're all aware his approval ratings are rock bottom. >> stephen: terrible, never been worse. >> but why aren't they zero? that's what i-- like. ( cheers and applause ) who-- who are those people? who are-- i get the-- i get that you were a fan of "the apprentice" you thought he's a straight talker and shakes things up. but at this point who is going, no, no, he's doing a good job." >> stephen: i think it's a sunk cost. like, people have already invested so much in him, that they're just going to ride the bomb all the way down. >> wow. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> good luck, everyone. >> stephen: you have other talents, other than talking. you also have the talent of writing. you have several books. the newest is your first novel called "holding," which is available now.
>> yeah, it's been published in america, which i have to say i'm so kind of flattered and thrilled by. it was my first novel. i didn't know what people were going to make of it. it got very well received at home, and now it's here. it's not kind of brash and loud or anything. it's a very jebtle little story about ireland. >> stephen: where you grew up. >> where i grew up. if the world is frightening you right now-- and who wouldn't be frightened? -- take a few hours off and dip into that book. i mean, there's a murder in it, so-- ( laughter ) not everyone comes out alive. >> stephen: yeah, sure, sure. >> but most people do. >> stephen: yes. >> and certainly you will, unless you fall asleep with it on your face and suffocate in the night. but the chances of that book killing you are really slim. >> stephen: is it appropriate for a talk show host to have a book, for instance "stephen colbert's midnight confessions?" is it appropriate? >> at home, at home i couldn't do that.
>> stephen: you couldn't do that. you can't sell your own stuff on air. >> on the british broadcasting corporation, if i brought that book out, someone would come out and wrestle me to the ground and i would be fired. >> stephen: they would watch. the book is called "holding." the man is graham norton. both are available now. thank you so much. we'll be right back with lukas nelson & promise of the real. hello, discover card. hi. can you tell me about these new social security alerts i keep hearing about? sure, just sign up online.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be liev schreiber, joe buck, and sonequa martin-green. now stick around for james corden and his guests, kathy bates and ed helms. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> announcer: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from eastern